Monday, November 23, 2009

Nasty Things To Eat.

Whilst watching "I`m a Celebrity get me out of here!" last night,( great show), I thought of a few of the more unpleasant things I have had to eat. In Mongolia ,for example, I was treated to what Andy termed `lucky dip soup`. Basically, this was an offal stew and you never knew what you were going to get, eyeballs bollocks, the lot.
In Sumatra, Sahar(my chief guide), once treated me to a bowl of spicy chicken heads.
Whilst over in the Congo, I have eaten all manner of strange things, caterpillars ,bat wing etc.
Perhaps the worst was the monkey. One particular monkey.
My team were in the middle of the Likoula swamps and we were starving.Whilst I would not let the Bantu tribesman on my team hunt any rare species , I understood that I had to allow them to hunt common species for survival, as they had always done.
Roland, my best hunter and I, were inching forward,when he suddenly spotted a black and white Colobus monkey in the tree above us. It had seen us too, but regrettably for both me and it, was busily masturbating!
I gave the order to shoot it. However, the unfortunate beast had clearly past the point of no return ,for its imminent death merely prompted it to go faster, in a dogged attempt to `finish`!
It died with a smile on its face. I did without the garnish.I don`t care what these celebrity chefs say, sometimes seasoning can be unneccessary....

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

DNA update.

As I have been asked , I thought I would post a quick update on how the scientific analysis of the specimens collected in Sumatra is going. The bad news is that Todd has now made three attempts at trying to extract DNA from the Rattan that we found at the location where the Orang-Pendek was sighted, which he seemed to be eating when we disturbed him. So far he has had no luck. However ,we still have the hairs to test. These were found at a different location to the sighting, but were close by one of the creatures tracks that I found. While I can`t say for definate they are Orang-Pendek hairs, I do think they are worth serious analysis. The hairs won`t be tested thoroughly for a few weeks yet, as Todd is waiting for a new reagent from a supplier.
Last night, I was reminded that not all of life`s dramas happen in the jungle. I went to look after my daughter Ella, who is five. I was just finishing making myself a curry when she began screaming .I rushed into the room where she had been sat whatching the T.V. "What`s the matter?` I said " My tummy ,my tummy I can`t bend " She cried-tears streaming down her face. "Where does it hurt?` I said , increasingly alarmed by now `All , all, over ,she sobbed`.
By now I was really worried and started putting on her shoes. The screaming went on for a further ten minutes, and nothing I could do would placate her.`We are going to have to go to hopital,sweetie ,` I said. `We need a Doctor to check you out`
At that point, she let out the most thunderous ,ear tearing,wind rushing, FART you have ever heard...........!!
`I feel better now ,Daddy ` said Ella and smiled. Turns out she had had too much ice cream at her Granny`s house and got colic.(wind!).
Exhausted from the drama, I put her to bed and went back to my Curry. The burmese cat , Kwai, had decided that he preffered my curry to his catmeat, and finished the lot off.
I think I am due some good news...........
I could do with some good news...................

Monday, November 9, 2009

Down South.

The weekend certainly lived up to expectations!
It was a beautiful day on Saturday, and Dave and I took the opportunity to walk across some of the most beautiful parts of the Chilterns. As well as the lovely little villages and rambling countryside , there is also some amazing wildlife.Most striking to me, are the abundance of Red Kites. A bird of Prey,Kites are predominantley chestnut brown , with white patches under their wings. They became very rare in the U.K. ,indeed you were lucky if you got a sighting of them unless you were in mid -Wales. However, a reintroduction programme has been very successful in the Chilterns, and a regular feature of the sky above Lane End, where Dave lives, is the sight of these majestic birds swirling and hovering, before swooping down effortlessley to catch their unlucky next meal.
In the evening, we went out in Marlow ,as promised. We were joined by Dave`s girlfriend Tasha and her friends Lousie and Michelle, as well of course, as Keith. After the pub ,we went back to Dave`s, put some music on ,and continued the party. Dave brought out a wierd concoction of drinks, including some Brandy from the Balkans named `Dick`. It was a heavy night.
The next morning I came down to see Michelle leaving the Toilet. She looked green.

`Are you alright ,Michelle ,`I asked. `No` said Michelle.`I have just been sick`. I must have had too much Dick..........

Friday, November 6, 2009

Fireworks Night.

For those of you that don`t know, its a tradition in the U.K. that on November 5th we set off fireworks .It all goes back to when Guy Fawkes attempted to blow up Parliament , during the reign of James the first.
Anyway, November is not normally the best of months weatherwise.Last night however ,the sky was lit up and rockets exploded merrily above my house. One bizarre thing though- a few streets down this guy was using a chainsaw.He had some sort of firework party going on ,and as he and his buddies set off the fireworks, he timed the whirring of the chainsaw to coincide with the bangs! What was that all about ? Were Leatherface and his cronies having some sort of reunion?..............
This weekend I am off to see Dave Archer and his girlfriend down in Marlow .Marlow is a lovely little town ,perched on the edge of the Costwalds. Keiith Townley is also coming with me. As we are all veterans of Sumatra , we will no doubt be talking about recent events. Plus, last time we were there we had a really wild time, so bring on Saturday night!